I guess it’s got something to do with age, but lately I’ve noticed that it seems all of my friends have had at least on colonoscopy, some two or three while I have had none. Not that I was jealous (well maybe a bit) mind you but at my lovely’s insistence last fall before we left for the south, I made it to the first appointment with the Proctologist to arrange for a colonoscopy when I returned home.
Today was my big day and as we all know, that means the preparations all began in earnest a couple of days ago. It all started Monday evening, when I had a couple of little pills just to loosen all the parts to pre-prepare for the main event today.
The serious stuff began yesterday at breakfast when I had my last normal meal and things really got interesting at lunch when I was fed a cup of beef broth with jello for dessert. For an after dinner drink I was mixed a package of white powder (not unlike cocaine I would think) in a cup warm water.How exciting is that?
Long time readers like Bonny will recall that my favorite toilet
paper tissue is Angel Soft and so right after lunch I made sure the bathroom cupboard was full of my favorite wipe. From mid afternoon on, my day was composed of many trips to the commode to empty my body of the results of my gourmet luncheon.
It’s not just me; Our black water tank likes Angel soft best too!
Meanwhile we my bride continually encourages me with statement like “If you thought lunch was good, wait until you taste supper”.
By now I’m on roll #2 and am thanking the Georgia-Pacific angels for manufacturing such a strong yet nice and soft tissue for my very own very personal use
Between my trips to the toilet, Mare announces that it’s supper time and sits me down to another delicious cup of warm beef broth, jello and even more of that amazing powder that just can’t be doing my insides one darn bit of good.
I’ve been in here for a few hours now so the bathroom is all set up, complete with an electrical connection in case my tablet battery fails, a small portable radio and, of course, an extra roll or two of Angel Soft, “just in case.”
For the rest of the night, the pressure down there continues but the actual amount of crap (pardon the pun) continually decreases until by morning I proudly announce that for the first time in a several years “I’m clean!”
Marilyn drops me off at West Lincoln Memorial Hospital in good time for my 10:15 appointment, where while they prep me they mention loudly that unless I “passing a little wind” I won’t be going anywhere. This fact is re-confirmed by the operating room nurse who I think was named Debbie (I’m just not good with names at a time like that) who says when I come out of there I’ve got to let it all “breathe” or I’m not going home.
My last memory is when, while Dr Benson “makes me more comfortable”, I think her name Debbie asks me to show her my cheeks. About an hour later I awake in what feels like a strong wind storm, only to realize that it’s just me “letting it breathe.”
That convinces the nurses I’m good to go.
Turns out I’m 100%, that part of my body is “in showroom condition” and I’m not invited back for 10 years.
Before you know it, Mare is there to rescue me, as she whisks me off to a coffee shop for a big creamy latte and a giant chocolate cookie. That girl of mine sure knows how to look after her guy.
Do you realize that I have just devoted 610 words to the noun”shit” and you are still reading?
“You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.”